Trust is one of the most crucial building blocks of becoming emotionally intimate with someone; it's absolutely fundamental for a healthy, close relationship. And yet it is far easier, and takes a lot less time, to lose trust than to build it back up. The rebuilding of trust takes time, patience, and work, just as it does to establish it in the first place. But it can be done if both people are motivated. Are you willing to put in the effort for the significant potential payoff? If so, here are some steps to take.

1. Say what you mean, and mean what you say.

Even as young children, we pick up very quickly on the clues that someone is saying things that aren't really true. The parent who always threatens to make us leave the restaurant, but we know will never actually follow through; the sister who always promises to share her cookie, but invariably eats the whole thing anyway - we start not to buy what they're claiming anymore. Our instincts for self-protection, honed evolutionarily for survival over thousands of years, typically will take note of the proverbial boy crying wolf. And we will adjust our behavior and expectations accordingly - learning not to trust the person quite as much the next time, in order to not be let down. So if you are looking to increase trust within your relationship, it's imperative that you stop saying things that you won't follow through on, or that don't represent your actual feelings. Even what seem like minor lies, when chronic, will tell the other person that they should no longer trust the things that come out of your mouth.

2. Be vulnerable - gradually.

Two distant coworkers who spend 20 years just chatting about the weather and not ever working closely together on projects never need to rely on each other for anything other than idle small talk or a returned "Good morning" when passing each other in the hallway. But what about two coworkers who have only worked together for six months, but are constantly in the trenches with each other, coming to need each other desperately for that 9 p.m. email to be returned, or to look over each other's work, or stand up for each other against a difficult boss? They have developed a bond with each other that is much tighter than decades of small talk, and it's because they have to be vulnerable with each other - relying on each other to come through or else facing real danger. In relationships that we choose in our personal lives, we also build trust through vulnerability. Some of this comes automatically with time and daily interactions, like knowing that if our partner said they'd pick us up at the airport, they'll be there, or feeling safe that if we eat a dinner they've prepared, it won't contain the allergen they know will send us into anaphylaxis. But emotional vulnerability is important as well. Building trust takes a willingness to open yourself up to the potential risk of hurt - talking about something embarrassing from your past, letting them in on what scares you in the here and now, showing parts of yourself that you don't think are "attractive" enough for a first-date reveal. Trust is built when our partners have the opportunity to let us down or hurt us - but do not. And in order for them to pass the test and build that trust, we must make ourselves vulnerable to that letdown. Gradually is best, of course, to protect ourselves along the way.

3. Remember the role of respect.

One of the most emotionally lasting ways that our partners can damage us - and our trust - is by belittling us, making us feel less-than, or viewing us with condescension or contempt rather than respect. Think of a basic level of respect as the common denominator in any relationship, whether between a cashier and customer or a mother and son. And the more emotionally intimate your relationship, the more important that keeping up that basic level of respect becomes, not less. Unfortunately, when we are tightly intertwined with someone, we sometimes show them our worst - which can be positive in terms of being vulnerable to them, but it also may involve treating them badly. Ironically, we may lash out at our mother or child or partner in ways that we never would at a cashier - and we forget that respect is even more important with our loved ones because of the damage the lack of it can do over time. This does not mean that you must be formal or perfectly polite always with your partner. But it does mean that you must remember that every time you treat them in a way that demeans them or violates that basic minimum of dignity and respect, you harm your connection a bit - and make it more difficult for them to trust you over time.

4. Give the benefit of the doubt.

Let's say you've had a doctor for 10 years that you really respect and have grown to trust. Now compare how you feel about that doctor's opinion, versus the opinion of a doctor that you've never seen before. While you may be willing to rely on the medical credentials of both, chances are, you'll feel far more comfortable with the one you've developed trust with. And in fact, that doctor may make some difficult or surprising medical news easier for you to swallow, because you are willing to give them the benefit of the doubt given your trust and history together. The same is true in personal relationships. What goes hand in hand with trust is setting aside your doubts - even if temporarily - and letting the person come through for you. Now in relationships where trust has been broken, and you are trying to rebuild, it may not be wise to set aside all doubt all at once, like in the case of infidelity or substance abuse. "Once bitten, twice shy" may apply in those cases, as you may still need a certain level of checking up on someone to protect yourself from further harm. But over time, if you ever hope to truly rebuild trust, you must be willing to string together some moments of letting the doubt go - or at least suspending it - and seeing if they come through for you. (If they don't, of course, then it is them who is sabotaging the trust-building.)

5. Express your feelings functionally, especially when it's tough.

Emotional intimacy comes in part from knowing that you can express your feelings to someone, and that they will still care about you, that they will not dismiss you out of hand - that they will be willing to listen. It means that you know they will make time to understand your viewpoint, not to shut it down. This entails the maturity of being able to talk about feelings without escalating into shouting, verbally attacking, or closing down the conversation. Of course, it is very easy to have a non-emotionally intimate relationship where everyone pretends that everything is fine, and neither person lets the other person in, because neither person truly trusts the other enough to handle their difficult or awkward feelings or thoughts. But if that's what you wanted, you wouldn't be reading this! Work on ways to talk about difficult feelings that feel collaborative, helpful, and respectful. Learn to discuss challenging emotions in ways that don't automatically jump to feeling threatened or starting a conflict. Many of us have taken cues from our parents about how to talk - or not talk - about tough things, and sometimes those patterns can stunt us. But if you truly want to build trust with someone, you've got to give them the opportunity to make the connection to the real you, including who you are emotionally.

6. Take a risk together.

Being vulnerable with each other can also be a mutual endeavor, and it doesn't just involve revealing parts of yourself. It can also involve a joint effort toward something rewarding - an adventurous experience on a vacation, a joint lifestyle change toward healthier habits, an attempt to expand your mutual social circle, or even just expanding your minds together with new ideas in the form of thought-provoking books or movies. This puts you both outside of your comfort zone with the possibility of reward in the form of increased trust - like two comrades who were in the trenches together. And if it's a romantic relationship you're looking to increase your connection within, there's an added bonus: A bit of fear-induced arousal can actually increase your sexual attraction, as the now-classic 1973 study by Dutton and Aron showed.

7. Be willing to give as well as receive.

The friendship research bears out just how important reciprocity is to a solid relationship. And it's not necessarily that each person is giving exactly as much as they are receiving, but rather that both partners are comfortable with the levels, and they feel relatively equal. Of course, in a truly close emotional partnership, it is expected and understood that this balance may shift once in a while - one person leans on the other when it is most needed, and there's no bean-counting necessary. And that's because there is trust, and you know that you won't end up giving, giving, giving without the other person ever coming through for you in return. So, a significant component of building trust is to let this process happen. Virtually everyone understands that they're not supposed to always take more than they give, but what happens when you don't let your partner give? You deny them part of this balance. Take the big picture, and let both processes happen, being willing to both give and receive. Of course, if you're willing to give just a little bit more, and your partner is as well, then you create a comfortable, caring cushion for you both and a safeguard against feeling chronically undervalued or unappreciated.

1. Be true to your word and follow through with your actions

The point of building trust is for others to believe what you say. Keep in mind, however, that building trust requires not only keeping the promises you make but also not making promises you're unable to keep.

Keeping your word shows others what you expect from them, and in turn, they'll be more likely to treat you with respect, developing further trust in the process.

2. Learn how to communicate effectively with others

Poor communication is a major reason why relationships break down. Good communication includes being clear about what you have or have not committed to and what has been agreed upon.

Building trust is not without risk. It involves allowing both you and others taking risks to prove trustworthiness. To navigate this, effective communication is key. Without it, you may find the messages you've intended to send aren't the messages that are received.



3. Remind yourself that it takes time to build and earn trust

Building trust is a daily commitment. Don't make the mistake of expecting too much too soon. In order to build trust, first take small steps and take on small commitments and then, as trust grows, you will be more at ease with making and accepting bigger commitments. Put trust in, and you will generally get trust in return.

4. Take time to make decisions and think before acting too quickly

Only make commitments that you are happy to agree to. Have the courage to say "no," even when it disappoints someone. If you agree to something and can't follow through, everyone involved is worse off.

Be clear about what you have on your plate, and keep track of your commitments. Being organized is a necessary part of building trust with family, friends, and colleagues. It enables you to make a clear decision as to whether to agree to requests of your time and energy.

5. Value the relationships that you have-and don't take them for granted

Trust often results from consistency. We tend to have the most trust in people who are there for us consistently through good times and bad. Regularly showing someone that you're there for them is an effective way to build trust.

6. Develop your team skills and participate openly

When you take an active role in a team and make contributions, people are more likely to respect and trust you. It's also imperative when building trust in a team to show your willingness to trust others.

Being open and willing to make contributions and to engage demonstrates this. In other words, take what others say into consideration, show that you are listening actively, suggest your thoughts and feedback in a respectful way, and demonstrate that you are willing to be part of the team.

7. Always be honest

The message you convey should always, always be the truth. If you are caught telling a lie, no matter how small, your trustworthiness will be diminished.

8. Help people whenever you can

Helping another person, even if it provides no benefit to you, builds trust. Authentic kindness helps to build trust.

9. Don't hide your feelings

Being open about your emotions is often an effective way to build trust. Furthermore, if people know that you care, they are more likely to trust you.

Emotional intelligence plays a role in building trust. Acknowledging your feelings, learning the lessons that prevail, and taking productive action means that you won't deny reality-this is the key to building trust.

10. Don't always self-promote

Acknowledgment and appreciation play an important role in building trust and maintaining good relationships. Recognizing and appreciating the efforts of others shows your talent for leadership and teamwork and increases the trust others have in you.

On the other hand, if people don't demonstrate appreciation for a good deed, they appear selfish. Selfishness destroys trust.

11. Always do what you believe to be right

Doing something purely for approval means sacrificing your own values and beliefs. This decreases trust in yourself, your values, and your beliefs. Always doing what you believe is right, even when others disagree, will lead others to respect your honesty.

Interestingly, when building trust, you must be willing to upset others on occasion. People tend not to trust those who simply say whatever they think others want to hear.

12. Admit your mistakes

When you attempt to hide your mistakes, people know that you are being dishonest. By being open, you show your vulnerable side, and this helps build trust with other people.

This is because they perceive you to be more like them-everyone makes mistakes. If you pretend that you never make mistakes, you'll make it difficult for others to trust you because you have created an unnecessary difference between the two of you. When all that a person sees is the "perfection" you project, they likely won't trust you.

How to Build Trust With Your Partner in a Marriage or Relationship

Andrea Bonior, a licensed clinical psychologist, professor, and author, shares the following advice for building trust with a partner in a marriage or relationship. Bonior suggests that trust is necessary for emotional intimacy and that it's necessary for a healthy, close relationship (2018). It's much easier and faster to lose trust than it is to build it up.

To develop trust with your partner, Bonior suggests you "say what you mean and mean what you say" (2018).

As young children, we quickly learn to tell if someone is being untruthful. It may be that someone doesn't follow through with their promises, or a parent makes threats they don't follow through on. This form of self-protection evolved to help us survive, so nearly all of us are able to notice the "proverbial boy crying wolf" (Bonior, 2018).

As we grow older, we finetune our expectations and behavior by learning not to trust an untruthful person, which helps protect ourselves from being let down again. So, when trying to develop trust in a relationship, don't say things that you won't follow through with.

It's also important not to say things that don't accurately reflect how you feel. Consistently telling lies, even if they feel small or inconsequential, will result in the other person no longer trusting what you say (Bonior, 2018).

Another aspect of building trust is to become increasingly vulnerable in the relationship as it develops. People feel trust when they rely on one another. In the relationships we have, we build trust through vulnerability (Bonior, 2018). Part of this will happen automatically over time through our daily interactions-such as feeling assured that our partner will be there if they have offered to pick us up from work (Bonior, 2018).

It is also important to be emotionally vulnerable (Bonior, 2018). Building trust requires you to open yourself up to the potential risk of being hurt. This could be revealing things that scare you or exposing aspects of yourself that you don't consider attractive (Bonior, 2018). In other words, trust is developed when our partners have the chance to let us down or hurt us, but they don't.

Respect plays an important role in trust. One of the most emotionally enduring ways we can be harmed by our partners is if they belittle us or look at us with condescension or contempt, because a lack of respect destroys trust (Bonior, 2018).

Any relationship, even that between a sales assistant and customer, involves a basic level of trust, and thus respect (Bonior, 2018). But maintaining that basic level of respect becomes even more important the more emotionally intimate the relationship is (Bonior, 2018).

Unfortunately, we occasionally show our partners our worst qualities. We may be more prone to lash out at people we are close to than we would at a stranger. We lose sight of the fact that respect is even more significant to those we love due to the harm that lack of respect over time will cause (Bonior, 2018).

It's not necessary to be perfectly polite all the time with your partner. However, remember that every time you treat your partner in a way that breaches a basic level of respect, you will damage the connection you have. Plus, it will make it more challenging for your partner to trust you over time (Bonior, 2018).

Additionally, to build trust with your partner, be prepared to give him or her the benefit of the doubt. For this idea, Bonior gives the example of a patient and his doctor, who he's been seeing for ten years and who he trusts and respects (2018).

Bonior describes the difference between how the patient feels about the trusted doctor's opinion and the opinion of a doctor whom the patient has never seen before. While the patient may be prepared to have confidence in the new doctor because of her medical qualifications, it is likely that he will feel a lot more comfortable with the doctor with whom he has developed trust.

It may even be easier for him to hear difficult or surprising medical news from his regular doctor because he will be prepared to give the doctor the benefit of the doubt because of the trust and history they share (Bonior, 2018).

One more way to build trust in a relationship is to express your feelings in a functional, helpful way (Bonior, 2018). An important component of emotional intimacy is being able to talk about one's feelings without shouting, verbally attacking, or shutting down the conversation (Bonior, 2018).

Therefore, in order to build trust, develop ways of discussing difficult feelings that are collaborative and respectful. To build trust, you need to give him or her the chance to connect with the "real" you-which includes your emotional complexity (Bonior, 2018).

Finally, to build trust with your partner in a marriage or relationship, it is important to consider reciprocity (Bonior, 2018). In other words, be willing to give as well as receive. It is necessary for both partners to feel comfortable with the levels of giving and receiving.